We never learn, do we? We will do same things over and over again. We will let same thing to hurt us.
I wanted to be smarter. I wanted to just be me. Single. But… Life (or maybe love) happened. I fell for his smile immediately. Almost same smile I fell for years ago. Also name is same.
Only thing that is different is me. I changed. I learned. I am not falling in love as I did years ago, because I already know consequences. One broken heart and I am sure that heart won’t be his but mine.
Have I learned properly?
Today I was standing in front of the mirror looking at myself. I took really long way and learned hard way. 6 years ago, I made wrong decision and I hurt my self for the very first time. Since then I did more times. 1 year ago, my mum died and I was living in some kind of bubble where I was feeling nothing, but pain came back. Just now.
And here I am, 2 000 kilometers away from my home, all alone, standing in front of mirror and feeling pain. What do I do?
I really love art. All forms of it. Music, theater, painting, films, …. The truth is, I can’t live without art. I surrounds me in every way possible. Furthermore, I love creating. I like to create new things. I love to create whole worlds. (Just in my head, of course.)
Five years ago, I met this guy. He seemed perfect. He was handsome, funny, smart. It took me just one heartbeat to fall in love with him. And from this moment I started to paint me own picture of him. Over time I was taking parts of him I liked and then I added so many details myself. I wasn’t seeing real him anymore, I just saw the picture I created.
I loved this illusion for such a long time. In my dreams, he was perfect. And then, reality came in. I don’t understand how, but one day I was with him and I could see real him. And he was so different. He changed. He is not the guy I fell in love with. Te picture was destroyed.
The only thing I know, I must let him go, because I deserve better than this.
With autumn rains, melancholy came to my life and made me think about most difficult thing in my life, about death. It’s been half year, since my mum died and it still hurts. It’s really difficult for me to talk about it, because if I say it load, it somehow becomes more real.
When it comes to death, we want to avoid it. We want to deny its existence and presence in this world. We want to close our eyes and pretend it is not there anymore. Why? I think, it’s because death is final and then life seems more serious. All of the sudden, you realize your time is limited and you can’t afford to waste it anymore.
This bring me to the very first question: What do you want to do before you die?
I want to live! I want to feel, see, hear. I want to be present and make the best out of every day. I want to smile and laugh and cry. I want every minute and every second to be worth it. I want the best of it and worst of it. I want to feel every emotion, positive and negative. I want to feel the pain after running, I want to feel the wind in my face. But what I want most is to love. Love everything what I’m doing and everyone whom I meet.
This is what I want and now it’s just up to you. You can do anything!
Sometimes few minutes are more than weeks, even months. Sometimes few minutes are just enough.
There is this guy I fell in love. I was worrying about it literally for month. I was asking questions if he is the one, if he is worth it. I was even crying and depressed. So I was thinking a lot about it. I was thinking if I should let him go because I AM worth more than just waiting for him. I was overthinking everything. His look, his smile, his “hello”.
And just now I suddenly stopped. I stopped thinking about it. I just was there. With him, looking at him and I realized how much I like him. Even if it might hurt. He is worth it.
And what I realized is that when you love someone you should always be yourself. And if he likes real you, you will be together. (Or not, I don’t know.)
Today I was standing in front of mirror. I was looking at myself, when I realized the mirror is little foggy. It was not dirty, I could still see me.
I took sponge and I made it clean. Really clean. I looked into it again and saw different person than before. It was still me but I saw little imperfections now. Like acne or my hair that had seemed okay before, but now it seemed little greesy. I saw real me.
As in life, it seems to me that I’m doing okay. I’m nice and my life is kind of perfect. I do all the things okay and everything seems fine to me. But then I look in “the mirror” and realize I’m not that perfect. I can be selfish, stubborn, not very kind. Maybe you ask what the mirror is. For me it’s God, who is showing me things throught Bible, people and different situations. He is showing me little imperfections that I haven’t seen before.
This might seem unpleasant but do you know what is great about it? He is showing me all these things not to shame me but because He loves me and wants me to be better person.
It is said one can never step in the same river twice.
Well, I wish I haven’t. It might not be excactly same river as before but you get hurt again because those sharp rocks are still there and the flow is still strong. You may change standing at the river bank but the river is the same.
I’m not sure why we want to step in the same rivers again even if it was painful before. I don’t know why we want to be with same people who made us sad or broken-hearted. Maybe we think it will be different this time. Maybe we hope river changed. (It hasn’t.) We hope they changed or we changed them, but people remain same deep inside.
We can try it expecting it will be better this time. Or we can leave to search for another river. Because as river can kill and hurt it can also give life and be refreshing.
So choose right river you step in.