Still alive

Broken hearted,


with scars on my body,



But still alive.

And that is what matter, because if you are breathing you can fight and try. Nothing is lost. And only sky is the limit.


Of change

Every now and then I take a moment to look back and see what changed over the year. I had this moment just recently and I realized how much changed.

A year ago, I lost my best friend. I still don’t understand what happened. I liked him. I even slept over at his place. We could talk about anything and now, there is just silence. I remember the night we talked the last time, I mean really talked, not just chit chat. He thought I am into him and was not interested in dating me. The truth was and still is I never fall for him, I just could’t be alone. And I got scared. I was scared to admit I feel something. I was scared to fight for our friendship. And now I am left with one question. What did I did wrong?

Things change and the only thing we can do is move on because life does not wait for anybody and it will always go on.

Past, present and life

I was surfing. But not on waves, as you may thing. I was surfing the Internet. On this adventure I found this though or quote.

Somewhere in the galaxy, your childhood is still currently visible. Your past self still exists, traveling through space  at the speed of light.

Every moment of your life is out there. If you had chance, would you return? Would you change it?

I would not. I am who I am because of my past even when it was hard or painful. All these moments made me stronger and more me. My past formed my present and my present is forming my future and that is exactly how it is supposed to be.


Carrot, egg or coffee?

Let me tell you my favorite story:

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her.  She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up.  She was tired of fighting and struggling.  It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen.  She filled three pots with water.  In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans.

She let them sit and boil without saying a word.  In about twenty minute she turned off the burners.  She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.  She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.  Then she ladled the coffee into a bowl.  Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me what you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.  She did and noted that they were soft.  She then asked her to take an egg and break it.  After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.  Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee.  The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, “What’s the point, mother?”

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity… boiling water – but each reacted differently.  The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting.  However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.  The egg had been fragile.  Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior.  But, after being through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.  The ground coffee beans were unique, however.  After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked the daughter.  “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?  Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?”

Think of this:  Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?  Did I have a fluid spirit, but after death, a break up, a financial hardship, or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?  Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean?  The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.  When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.  If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.


I don’t think one is better that the others.

I think sometimes we need to be like carrots. Soft. Understanding. Sensitive.

Sometimes like eggs, hard and steady.

And sometimes we just need a cup of good coffee that can change everything. Alone or with friends.

But most of all we need to be human. Real and authentic. Broken or hard. Smiling or crying. Because whatever you feel is okay and you don’t have to be someone else to be good enough.


Best thing I never had

Years ago, I fell in love with you. I imagined how it would be if we were dating. If we were together. In that time, it seemed like the best thing that could happen. I thought that I wouldn’t be happier if we were a couple.

Today, I am looking at old photographs and I realize it is the best thing I never had. I realize how stupid and naive I was. I was very young and I believed that you are so good. I couldn’t be more wrong. You would have destroyed me. You would have taken my innocence. You would have destroyed my dreams and changed my future.

Now I can say you turned out to be the best thing I never had and I am the best thing you never had.

What seemed like disaster at the time is now the best thing that never happened. So don’t be sad when something does not happen. Maybe it is not meant for you. And I believe something even better might be waiting for you. Just believe.

P.S. this is inspired by Beonce’s song Best thing I never had which I love so much.

Of her. Of lonelyness.

She had her window opened as she was falling asleep. She could hear noises of never sleeping city. Cars. Music. She knew there are people behind all these noises and for brief moment she was not feeling that lonely in her bed where she was all alone.

She was longing for someone she could hug, she could kiss, she could love. But there was noone. She was walking all by herself in this crazy world.

Everyone she ever met would say she was strong woman, yet she was crying that night in her bed all by herself.

13 reasons why

It all started with death. And it ended with death. But why?

If you watches the serial you know there are totally 13 reasons but I want to talk only about last 5 because they were the most serious. 

Reason number 9:

We all do mistakes. The point is not to don’t make mistakes but to be able to face consequences. But sometimes you are not the one who should take responsibility. But your friend. You often take burden which does not belong to you. You feel responsible but you are not the one who should fight. Everyone is only responsible for his own actions.

You can’t blame yourself for everything that happens. I believe everything has reason and you can’t win over destiny or God, call it how you want.

Reason number 10:

Sometimes you can do literally nothing to protect your friend. You watch them suffer but you can’t do anything. You feel helpless. You feel guilty. You are asking over and over again what you could do differently. And would it make any difference?

Reason number 11: 

He loved her all the time but was too scared to tell her. She loved him too but maybe too much. It just happens that we hurt those who we love the most. You don’t want to get hurt, so you build walls and you push away everyone who might actually care. Because what if he sees true yourself. What if he sees how fragile you are? What if he sees you love him and just don’t care? Or what if you just have bad experience and want to protect yourself…

Reason number 12:

This one is really hard. I can’t imagine. To be taken away your innocence. Not be able to fight back. To feel empty and lost.

People will hurt you. Some more than the other. But it says nothing about you. About your value.

Reason number 13:

You might think you are alone. But the truth is there is always, ALWAYS, at least one person who cares. Who listens. Who is always there for you. I know it can be hard to actually open up and talk but it is only way.

And please, keep your eyes open. For your friends who might struggle but are too scared to talk about it. Please, don’t look away. Try to talk to them. You might be only one.

P.S. This is dedicated to my friend you saved me. Thank you.